Demons

As I'm driving home I ponder many things. Mostly bad or negative but ponder nonetheless. I think of all the demons I have from my past that follow me around and I think that someday I will have to face them and that scares me. As I drive I think of how I will write this entry and what is relevant for me to note and as always I almost immediately start to forget what I want to say. It occurs to me that I have not spoken to my father in months, as for all intensive purposes the asshole has pretty much abandoned me and my sis. No calls on birthdays, normal bullshit around Christmas I don't give a shit. Or do I? I wonder why I am all of a sudden thinking of the one that abandoned me and my sis and moved to Massachusetts with his "new" wife and seems to forget all father and family responsibilities. The fucked up part of all this is that the whole family turns a blind eye to the whole issue and doesnt bother to fucking intervene or they just dont talk to us at all anymore. No more invites to family occasions and me and sis get the awkward vibes when we show up to family occasions like "Why are you here?" After all these years my father turns into a duschbag and the whole family pretends that nothing is wrong and when they do take interest in the subject they think me and my sis should fix it. For example last year at Christmas my aunt, my fathers sister has the balls to say to my sister that it is her responsibility to fix this situation, ya know because its Christmas and all. Ya fuck you, he's supposed to be the "adult" why doesn't he fucking grow up and take responsibility for once instead of drinking another beer by himself again. That's a different subject all together and could require multiple blog posts so I'll keep it at that. So as I'm driving I wonder why he comes to mind? Could it be that my favorite season is Fall and that is his as well? Could it be fall was the time of the year that my parents got divorced? I don't remember. I think I have blocked most of that out of my mental memory to cope with life, I have always thought that I was stronger mentally and I would never have to deal with my emotional hardships but more frequently now I think they are starting to creep up on me and I don't know what will happen when they finally surface. I wonder why it is soo hard for me to be happy being single? Why must I always have a connection? Is it social or is it psychological, I don't know. Why? I must think on this. Meditate or something.

Observations

As I look around me I see many things that to the eye might seem normal but to me I see much more. On my desk there are 4 empty cans of NOS, my choice of energy drink. I look at the cans and I see addiction in one of the smallest forms. I like many other people have a slight addiction to caffeine. There are many times where just going by a gas station I will think to myself if I have enough cash on me to run in and grab an energy drink. The funny thing is after all these years of drinking the energy drinks I have become more or less immune to their effects. It seems like I used to get a huge boost of energy when I started drinking them but after the years passed by the effects gradually got smaller until I finally realized that I was drinking them under the false pretenses that I might get an energy boost but most of the time none at all. Do I just drink them out of habit or do I actually enjoy the taste? At the price that I'm paying for these things I should probably look into this further. To be continued...

Psychologically Skewed

As I lie in bed trying to sleep, my mind keeps mulling over the things that I want to write about. Whats important, whats not and what should be kept private. Categorized one by one my mind keeps spinning round trying to organize my thoughts to the point of chaos. I finally get out of bed because I realize it is rather pointless to try and get any sleep because I long for the creative vent that is writing. I have thought of looking into English as a Major for college but most of the time it comes back to one very simple problem I have. I am incredibly lazy. Sometimes is kind of a funny thing to have but in all reality is more pathetic than anything. It stops me from accomplishing goals, it slows the process of growth as an individual, and it is more like a parasite on my abilities. For example my college career has been an excellent example of my lack of effort in what matters. I have failed multiple classes for very simple reasons, I was too lazy to read the book and study. The clock is ticking and if I dont get my act in gear there are going to be much more severe problems at hand.

First Entry

I feel that now more than ever it is important that I start writing a blog. There have been many things that have happened in the past few years that has changed me in many ways. Some of these things have made me a better person but more often than not they have hurt me or made me realize the cruel ways of life as it is. More recently I have been in a downward spiral of emotion and depression because of the events that have taken place, and thus the mistakes that I have made that may or may not have caused the events to happen in the first place. I have become aware of the impact that certain people have on me and to the extent of how deep these connections run in me. I hope in writing these blogs entries I find release and relief in the issues I face both psychologically and physically. I have learned that most of the people in my life are situational. In that friends for example where my friends because of the situation I was in; like school and work for example. There are many things that I have to write about and I hope in writing them I find release in the emotions that accompany them. In writing this it is 8:30 in the morning, and after 7 hours or so of work through the night I find that I am repeating myself and that my thoughts are becoming redundant. I will most likely be coming back to this to edit it, or perhaps in leaving it alone I will see the redundant statements to be more important to flesh out and think on in other blog posts. Either way let this entry hopefully be the beginning to a new start.